A Few Rules About Driving In L.A.

Please follow these rules when driving in L.A. It will make YOUR life easier. The lives of the people driving around you easier and reduce the chance that you'll piss off that one driver who's packing heat...

1. A speed limit is a speed LIMIT for everyone. Cars travelling at safe speeds are not doing that to give you something to slalom around as you get to your destination at 80 - 90 MPH. I don't gave a flyin' rat's ass if there's a pot of gold at the end of your destination. Risking your life and the lives of everyone else just for an adrenaline rush is not right. You think you're "Too Fast, Too Furious"? You're actually "Too Dumb, Too Stupid".
   
   
2. On the converse, do drive with SOME speed. If you're on the freeway, where the speed limit is usually 65 MPH, don't you think puttering along at 25 MPH is a little TOO slow? WHY are you driving so freakin' slow? If you're terrified of freeway traffic, then DON'T get on the freeway!! Last time I checked, there's really not that much interesting stuff on either side of the freeway to warrant you slowing down to take a look. And if it's that interesting, get off the freeway and take a really good look! Hawaii has it right -- they actually post a Minimum Speed Limit. Go slower than that and you can get a ticket.
   
   
3. The right turn lane is a TURN LANE, not a PASSING LANE. Yes, we all hate traffic jams on surface streets. It takes a lot of patience to not only sit in slow traffic but also have to wait out all the traffic signals that make getting to your destination a long, arduous journey. But you do NOT have some extra priviledge that allows you to bypass chunks of traffic by moving into the right turn lane, then blasting forward into the traffic when the light turns green. Again, that just makes you stupid. When I see someone attempting that, I'll always stick my vehicle out a little into the lane so the other person can't pass. You're gonna wait your turn along with everyone else. (But what about people who are actually turning right?? -- Trust me, you get good at filtering out the legitimate turners from the dorks).
   
   
4. If you're driving, take your cell phone and shove it up your ass. Do not. Do not. DO NOT talk on a cellphone while you're driving. If it's urgent, pull off into a parking lot and finish your conversiation. My life is worth more than you finding out what you're having for dinner tonight. I've been near one too many drivers who are weaving and driving like they could blow a sobriety test because they're more focused on their phone call than on the road.

So, unless you don't mind that fact that one day the driver you piss off will have no problems blowing your head off with they gun they're packing (this is L.A. -- the chance of this happening is much greater than dying in an Earthquake), I suggest you drive safely and know that you'll get to your destination... eventually!